The Jackass Mystique

April 24, 2017

Bill O’Reilly is already back – well sort of. A new episode of his podcast, No Spin News, will be available today on his website – to premium paid subscribers. Nice… Bill’s first post-Fox gig will be preaching to the choir, comforting the people who couldn’t get enough O’Reilly on Fox, delivering to the true believers who paid good money to hear more. I expect he’ll be well received – cult members must be starving after a dozen O’Reilly free days.

I briefly considered taking in the show myself – until I discovered it was payed content. Thought it might interesting to hear what new BS O’Reilly’s slinging, could be amusing. But, pay for it? Naa, chances are I’d only last a couple minutes, until my gag reflex forced me to look away. Listening to Bill does that to me and, typically, I must watch hours of puppy videos to recover from, even brief, O’Reilly exposure.

The thing is, even knowing the side effects, I still considered watching Bill. And actually went that direction until I encountered a pay-wall. Sad.

For reasons known only to shrinks and marketing professionals, we seem attracted to jackasses. We know they’re gonna offend us, piss us off, but we pay attention to them anyway. Some even revere the jackass just for being a jackass. Witness all the people who like the Donald because he speaks his mind – regardless of what he says. His willingness to say shit is what’s admired. Racist, misogynistic provocative words aren’t important, the Donald’s willingness to say them is. Odd.

Lucky for us, while the O’Reilly show may be out of reach, there are plenty of other jackasses available for free. Sean Spicer holds daily press conferences and while he’s not in the O’Reilly tough-guy mold, he does provide a kind of Steven King character persona. Every time I watch him standing at that lectern, I expect someone, suspended from the ceiling, to dump blood on him. Or maybe he’ll explode from all the self-contained anger building up inside. I expect Sean to, one day, treat us to something special – can’t wait.

There are, of course, many choices available even to the casual internet user; the search term “right wing goofballs” yields over thirteen-thousand results, just on YouTube. You got your Ann Coulter, if you prefer a Wicked Witch of the West thing – got your Alex Jones, for those who prefer the classic bug-eyed conspiracy look. There are even jackasses who look normal, though their names escape me at the moment. (Glenn Beck? No! Rush Limbaugh? Oh, please! Seems mostly overweight white guys – and Ann.)

Speaking of overweight white guys, there’s always the Donald. If you’re looking for jackass content, why not go with the biggest? Though, once again, small dosage is advised. One day, I expect Trump exposure to be regulated by the FDA. (Once we reestablish the FDA, that is.)

But when we get right down to it, there’s no substitute for the real Bill O’Reilly. And once his new gig becomes free on YouTube, I’ll watch as much as I can tolerate. Bill’s like cheap tequila: tasteless, colorless, numbing – consumption always makes you feel bad. But, every so often, it’s important to do shot or two – just to feel the pain and make sure I’m still alive.

Now that we’re one-hundred-sixty-seven days away from the election, could someone please arrest Trump and his crime family? As long as the republic’s replacing O’Reilly, let’s do Trump too.

In Peace and Justice,
osv